Wednesday, April 16, 2014

No No No No No

That's five times negativity and dream bursting. If I had a penny for every time someone said something couldn't be done, I'd be half dead. Because, you know, even if something CAN be done sometimes it SHOULD NOT be done. And I get that, I really do.

But sometimes, people say no to things because of money. And that bothers me a lot. It bothers me becaues I did not grow up in a home with money. If I ever wanted or needed clothes I'd either have to wait for it to be on sale, or receive hand me downs that were UGLY.

I apologize. I'm just frustrated that people say no to things because of money and close the conversation completely. Not a lot of thought goes into finding alternative things to do that don't require as much money. Or no money. A lot of things don't require money, perhaps I shouldn't let the conversation close itself and present an alternative after being shot down.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Endless [M]use

If I knew then what I know now, I don't think this blog post would exist. But I wasn't so wise then, and I'm not any wiser now. But, I'd like to believe I can learn from my past, especially learn from recent events.

So muses. I think every person in the world is a muse. Or every plant and rock, every atom is potential for ingniting a string of metaphors and similies. Yet, I wonder if I'm abusing this endless supply of muses.

Am I abusing some hidden rights by transcribing a conversation or remembering fondly a memory in words? Should I keep it to myself that the sway of a persons hair, a mannerism, or perhaps a detail I hold dear is an inspiration to my writing? Why do I even bother worrying about these things?

I just find everything so inspiring. I want to write about everything and maybe I will take that leap. Write without worrying.

Monday, April 14, 2014

[L]oving Blindly

The last time I wrote about loving someone it was about a relationship that had passed. In fact my next poetry book will be about this relationship, except it's quite not gone away. Feelings don't always immediately vanish and traces of this love are just about everywhere.

They're even hidden deep down in my Spotify. In particular the cluster of songs that make up this playlist. These were for him.


Thursday, April 10, 2014


version 1

Let me rest upon your chest
Falter in your caress
Let my palms tap across

the planes of your grand mystery

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Basic [H]uman Rights

To start, I'm probably the worse person to talk about human rights. I'm not a human rights activist, I don't assert my own rights as a human, and I don't always take into consideration other peoples' rights. To add a touch of reality to this disclaimer, I somehow tipped someone 25% this morning for breakfast. Was that an act of respecting my waiter's human rights or do I just not care enough my own human rights and hard earned money? Do I just disrespect money on a daily basis that way, by not caring enough when I have it, but working hard enough to always have enough for tipping around town.

What are basic human rights after all? Are they moral principles that create standards and guidelines to a better human behavior? On what principle do these rights become inalienable fundamental rights to which all persons are inherently entitled simply because we are humans. What about puppy rights! Ever wonder when we will create standards and guidelines to which all human and dog relationships adhere to. Or even better. What about planet rights! Surely, we can create standards and guidelines to which all human and planet relationships adhere to.

These rights we have, as humans, are in place so that none of us can ever assume authority over each other. So that one life doesn't became a lesser life than the other—or in some instances a better off individual in the higher class cannot become a lesser individual to someone in a lower class. That is not how human rights work—we are equal, neither lesser or better off in the moral standards we hold ideal.

The economic world we live in right now does not take into consideration basic human rights. It's only focused on one right, which is the right of money. Right of high profits. Right of enslaving people of different circles and classes for the benefits of the holy grail of money.

Knowing all this, how do you fight for basic rights then? Do you move your money? Only make enough money to pay mandatory taxes? What is the answer—I want to know some day. Because I believe in fighting for basic human rights.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

What Gets You [Going]?

My brain fell asleep sometime in between checking inventory and daydreaming about possible logo designs. This carried on during lunch and finally, after much debate with myself, I took a nap. After I woke up from my nap, unaware I had fallen asleep, really, I turned on the Wii and worked out. I figured it would jump start my heart or something.

Right, but that was just getting going from a nap. I wonder what I could do to not hit snooze on my alarm tomorrow morning. This is where you help! What gets you going in the mornings?

Monday, April 7, 2014

[F]eeling Blue

I listen to a lot of music when I'm feeling blue. And if time permits, I marathon TV shows and movies. But sometimes I just feel too blue that I can't even mindlessly watch anything so I curl up on my bed. Hide my head under pillows and sleep. And that's why this blog post is late. Sorry about that.

Here's a playlist of the music from latest show I tried to watch. It's actually my second time watching the series, but the music is so great!


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Goodbye [E]nhance

I have around 10 to 12 hours until I release the last issue of my literary and art magazine. I am probably going to mull and weep over it all day. Maybe I'll have a few minutes of panic where I want to undo this decision and repeat the following monologue with my co-editor:

I don't want to do this at all. But I have to. I don't have time. I've changed. I just don't feel the same about it.

Enhance: The Last Issue
What else can I say? Most people inform me of their sadness of closing this magazine. I've been asked about future plans. Some, I speculate, believe something horrible is going on in my life to make me close my little four year old magazine. And its all a bittersweet moment, but I'm going to make a short list of answers to the frequently asked questions and comments. More for my sake than anything else.

Warning true feelings:

Yes it's sad. I'm practically cutting off a limb, how could I not be sad? Freaking sad, you try being a literary and art magazine editor for four years. Then after the third year feel your life drifting apart from something you loved to do so much. You just drifted apart and it hurts.

Future plans. What future plans? I don't quite know how my life will change, future plans are so vague anyway. I'm 26 years old, I've just transitioned my life from being a graphic designer to artist—and arts and craft teacher—the next steps are all going to lead to being a published writer and finally applying to grad school and eventually becoming a writing professor.

Tragically, my health has never been amazing. But somehow I'm convinced, my doctors are convinced, that the worse is over. So nothing tragic really going on, it all happened without me saying a word.

The closing of Enhance is like the passage of time. I'm not leaving the magazine behind because I no longer care about literary arts, but because I'm making my way through a journey. A journey to where I have had to let go of a lot of things. A journey where every day I wake up a whole being. Very wonderful things have resulted from beginning this journey, and I can't wait to properly share them with everyone soon. Really, everything is just amazing now. Just wait.

Friday, April 4, 2014

I'll [D]o It

Ever have those moments when you're really not up to a task? You might complain and find other exciting tasks to do. Or just buckle down and not do anything at all. I have had those a lot. I have never counted how many of these "don't care to do this" moments occur in a day. But I can successfully say that I had three "I'll Do It," moments.

But what is an "I'll Do It," moment? Interestingly enough, it's a moment where without reason you do something. I picked it up from the film Bridget Jones's Diary where Bridget gets asked to wear a miniskirt, heels, and slide down a pole at the the fire station. In that circumstance Bridget becomes very determined and responds, "I'll Do It."

The phrase is so simple and relieving. The first two "I'll Do It," moments involved my sluggish self picking up the dog's leash and going on a walk. The third was opening a new tab, after HOURS of reading creepy/scary stories, and writing this blog post.

Tomorrow I should aim for four moments.

The next day five. As many moments as it takes to get stuff done.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

[C]elebrating the Life and Resurrection of Mary Catherine Cloud

Mary Catherine Cloud saved my life. Yes it's rather melodramatic, but it's the truth in my eyes. I first met Mary at the church we both attended. I was afraid, generally moody, and terribly in a serious situation with my life. I sat in the back and never spoke to anyone. Then one week in May the very stately church ladies gathered around me asking all sorts of questions:

What's your name? What do you do?

—My name is Sopphey. I'm a bit creative.

I responded and then someone said, “Where's Mary? Let's bring her over.” And the rest is a bit blurry, but after that day I volunteered my time to help with a vacation bible school. During the last day of the program I helped out with clean up. I wasn't the most agile person then, so clearing up caves made out of cardboard, fabric, and heavy potted plants was pretty terrible. But I did it. I pulled myself up and down those stairs until all was cleaned up, I sat in Mary's art room, and then she asked me the most pressing question ever:

Have you ever thought about exercising?

—Why yes. I did exercise.

And I went into detail about my work out routine. Days turned into weeks after that. Slowly I found myself signing up to help in projects of all kinds. I sorted school supplies with Mary, I helped her learn Photoshop while she created artwork for a book, we discussed important matters, we enjoyed meals together, and we became very great friends. Best friendship I ever had with anyone.

When I tried to avoid the world and slip into a crying and depressive metaphorical coma—she pulled me aside. She let me cry. She handed me tissues. Stood by me while I wailed into my phone and made a life-changing doctor's appointment AND loaned me money to pay for it. And stuck by me while my body adjusted to medicine and I slipped in and out of a crying depressive metaphorical coma.

It never dawned on me how precious her friendship was to me. It had never dawned on me how the very stately church ladies knew that she was a very important person in my life until today. When they would hug me, remark on how close Mary was to me, and then burst into tears when I'd respond “very close to all of us.”

But now my very dear friend is gone. And now I have that song "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye," stuck in my head.