I want to talk about something that can be applied to romantic and professional relationships. It's definitely nothing new, and there might be other ways to present this information but I think using the film
Friends With Benefits as an example works. To help me in this post we have Justin Timberlake's
Sexy Back and special guest content by Karen Woods titled
A Communication Guide for Friends with Benefits.
 |
| Promotion poster for the film. |
Plot of Friends With Benefits
This film begins like most romance comedies, there's the inevitable catalyst that brings our lead characters into each other's lives. Jamie meets Dylan and after working together to move Dylan to New York for a job with GQ Magazine they form a bond. The bond leads to beers and parties which then leads to an intimate relationship where Jamie and Dylan negotiate terms of their intimacy.
I think it's the best part and probably the only reason why I enjoyed this film. Jamie and Dylan discuss both emotional aspects of what they are looking for in a partner as well as more physical and sexual requests. Jamie and Dylan turn their friendship into what we now call "friends with benefits." Now even though, in the film these two friends transformed into a couple, it doesn't always work out that way. And that is why, *drum roll* the following guide is really nice to have around.
A Communication Guide for Friends with Benefits
In the past few years, a different kind of relationship has come to light. We've put a name to it, made movies around it and probably even at one point or another been involved in one ourselves. I'm talking about none other than the Friends with Benefits relationship. You can call it "No strings attached, "F buddies," or FWB," but they all boil down to the same thing—a sexual relationship without a romantic counterpart.
This type of relationship is tricky. A
recent study found that 63% have been involved in one, but only 26% of people actually believe they can work. You see, it's easy for feelings, emotions and confusion to trickle in when there's less clothes than conversation.
With that said, friends with benefits can be a fun way to pass the time, get over an ex, experiment sexually or avoid anything serious, but it's important to know that it won't end in a relationship, no matter how much you may want it to. As always, you are the rule, not the exception.
There are a lot of
unspoken rules when it comes to slipping the sausage without commitment. Friends with benefits may seem like a carefree, effortless option for a relationship, but it's actually very calculated. These relationships usually happen by accident. You got drunk one night and hooked up. Then you realized, bam, that was great, now what? It's time to talk, that's what.
In order to be successful, you will need to stop and talk about these issues with your pal. Do not proceed if you aren't able to agree on them.
Discuss goals
Where do you both want this to go? If it's anywhere but the bed, it's not a FWB relationship.
Make sure you both have a clear understanding of what it is and isn't. Talk about what you want out of it sexually and what you don't want: i.e. a relationship.
Discuss promiscuity
FWB are likely to continue to sleep with others outside of the relationship, maybe even date. Figure out whether you want to be open about that or not. Do you need to mention when you've started sleeping with someone new?
Discuss safety
Practicing safe sex is very important in a FWB relationship. You don't want to get pregnant and you definitely don't want to pass along or contract any STD's. Discuss how you want to protect yourself. Will there be birth control in conjunction with condoms? Will there just be condoms?
Discuss limits
FWB is frequently made up of sexual experimentation. Make sure you know what each other are and aren't willing to do, so that no one gets pushed too far. Do you want try anal? Are you willing to use sex toys from places like
Adam & Eve. Better yet, are you willing to involve a third person? Know what's off limits and what's not.
Discuss expectations
This is different than goals. When you're a FWB, you can either be friends or not. FWB typically works best when you aren't friends outside of the bedroom. That means you don't call to get coffee. You don't go to the pool and kick it. You call and see each other after 2AM. However, there's nothing out there that says you can't be friends. You're just more likely to develop feelings. This is why it's important to figure out what kind of friend you want to be.
Discuss contact
This goes hand in hand with expectations. If you're not going to be friends, it's important to know what kind of contact is appropriate. Can you email, Facebook, Tweet or just call? Should calling be limited to weekends after a certain time? Is texting preferred?
Discuss termination
Finally, you need to talk about what/how/why will require termination. Do you cut it off when you start dating someone else? When feelings develop? Once you've paid your taxes? Whatever. FWB ultimately have
expiration dates. Sometimes the fizzle on their own sometimes they need to be ended. Make sure you both know what actions justify an ending.
After this, communication will be limited since emotions and feelings aren't involved. However, you should check in every once and awhile and make sure that opinions haven't shifted and that goals/expectations are still the same.
Ah relationships. Having read this, what do you think about this type of relationship? Can you see how this communication guide can help in other areas of life?
...
Karen enjoys blogging about relationships and going to the movies in her spare time.
