Friday, June 1, 2012

Validation and the Individual


Halfway through the various April challenges I stumbled upon Sahaj Kohli's blog A Quarter Life Crisis. A quarter life crisis, or any transition for that matter, sucks according to Sahaj and I agree. I agree completely because it feels like I've been going through a very long, very tiring after graudation quarter life crisis.

No, not everyone goes through this phase. I have a lot of classmates who settled into "the real world" without a hitch. Yet, I'm still stuck, somewhere, on my very own cloud of not-quite-the-real-world. It's an awful feeling. It feels like I'm a semi-dead body floating on the Ganges.

I had dreams. I had plans for my life to rock on 200 levels of awesome. I also misjudged things and failed to have a solid back up plan. Back up plans are very important... I didn't think I needed them. I had spent the last 22 years of my life coming up with one "fail-proof" plan and going for it. I had 22 years of luck on my side, and then I didn't.

Luck is a fucking bastard. The catalyst for my "crisis" made me feel like scum. Made me realize that life doesn't run on luck. Yes, I still have a very good relationship with the Universe and I always get what I need (you know because I'm not dead right now)... but there is more. There is this thing called careful planning, objective measuring, and strategic implementations. This crisis of mine made me doubt my ability to do anything. The constant job application process, the endless hours of but Sopphey has a degree and doesn't have a $25K+ job arguments, and the long nightmares of adding price tags to my life to squeeze by.

At that point in my life, I needed validation that I existed. That I had friends. That someone other than the family chihuahua was glad to see me. That dollar bills weren't an oddity and that I could apply to everywhere and land a job. I wanted to know if there was a place in the wall for me.

There is, I just have to make my own place. I'm 24, and I'm barely coming to terms with myself as an individual. In the past two years I've created a tiny, carefully planned, objectively measured, and strategic network of blogs and magazines. I've gone from signing the odd petition online to standing on the side of the road with a sign. I've actually submitted my writing to magazines. I wrote a movie review book and a poetry book. I've broken all the design rules I learned in college. I created 21 alcoholic drink recipes.

I just about got out-of-touch with the world, too. Then April came, and this picture by Sahaj made me think of me as an individual again:

the Individual

  • In = 
  • 1) Be aware of surroundings, always.
  • 2) Where you are and when is significant.
  • 3) Evaluate relationships you are in, where you are comfortable, confinements and investments.
  • Indi(e) = independent/independence
  • Divid(e) = 
  • 1) separate from expectations of others; veer off and away if you have to in order to find you.
  • 2) Prioritize your passions and parts
  • U = YOU
  • Visual = 1) SEE; use eyes; be more observant. 
  • 2) create charts, time tables and VISION boards to visualize short and long term goals
The Individual 

What is Sopphey the Individual? I don't know who I am a lot of the times. It's like I try to define myself by what I do, by what I create, by the people I associate myself with; it's all confusing. All these questions churn in my head until I can't move, think, or eat. I just sit in a my cloud, wondering about everything and achieving nothing.

I'm in a very exciting place right now. I live in the Rio Grande Valley in Texas, and as time will have it, will be going back and forth between here and Corpus Christi this summer. I'm surrounded by wonderful people both on/offline. I don't express it often, I truly value my friendships. Even if as of late I'm making terrible decisions that impact my "friend-able" likeness negatively.

I'm not as independent as I want to be. I rely on public transportation and the goodwill of the weather too much. But, I won't stop trying to make my own. Maybe, spread my options to more than standing on a dirt patch waiting for the bus.

I'm doing it! This time, for sure, I'm going to quit. I've said this a lot for a while now. But, this time, for sure. I'm going to do it! I have to. I can't seem to focus on what I need to do for myself if I'm trying to create answers to lifes' problems. I have to be selfish. I need to spend my days writing away. Editing away, and ultimately sending out poems and stories for possible publication. It's like my destiny.

Me. The writer me needs to take charge.

The biggest visual and motivator is having my work validated by an author. But, just to be on the safe side I made this list to help me out:

Sopphey the Individual is kinda just like Sopphey the poet. Except she bruises easily, sometimes sits on a cloud too long, and doesn't always feel like sunshine over the ocean. I don't like this individual that I am right now, so I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to break off a huge chunk of my time for writing, editing, rewriting, and submitting because it's what I want to do right now.

What do you want to be doing right now?

1 comment:

  1. good luck! at your age, it's easy to get caught in places you don't wish to be. if it makes you feel any better, i'm not exactly where i want to be yet either, but i can tell you that my 20's were better than my teen years and my 30's are better than my 20's. hang in there, grasshopper.