I just had a doctor's appointment today to review lab results from last week. Appointments with this doctor are pretty standard. She walks in, types things into the computer, and walks out. Today was no different except she shook my hand—cold hands. She reviewed my lab results and increased my Metformin. Metformin, see that's this wonderful drug that can both help with PCOS and diabetes. I was on it before for the glaring PCOS and now I'm a double dose for diabetes.
According to the doctor my diabetes isn't out of control. I can live with that. I can't live with the fact that my prediabetes transgressed into diabetes. In my case, I feel like a failure because I've been working on my health and fitness for over ten years. I'm like my mother, I expect my results to be my own doings. Black and white: I've done the work, I reap my reward.
I'm finding that health issues are not so black and white. It's a fine battle between genetics and environment and I'm not in balance. Diabetes runs in my family. That's great except that my mother and grandmother don't do too well with managing their diabetes. Not to mention that my older and youngest sister hoard junk food.
|Youngest sister realized she couldn't eat THREE donuts so settled for TWO.|
For the purposes of forgiving myself, I've decided to focus on the better health and food flashbacks I've been having. For example, if I feel like my body is hungry I don't immediately rush for anything to fit in my mouth. (If you haven't seen diabetes memes, half of them go on about gorging on cake because of low blood sugars.) Instead I focus on carbs, plant low-processed carbs.
I think in this whole journey of actually getting things down I rely too much on a scale. I rely too much on whether I'm going to hear comments about my weight as I do my thing. For instance, in my last grocery trip store a child commented that my stomach was large. I do believe I can make a tally of what body part is perceived as larger based off of these remarks. But that would make me feel shitty.
So to make myself feel less shitty I've made a one year progress before and after picture. I'm still feeling a bit angry about the diabetes, but I think I can live with it.
I know I can because I've made it this far:
And this far:
I can't say with certainty what I weigh until I can find a scale that will give me an accurate reading repeatedly. But, damn it I'm working hard at everything.